The weather's been beautiful these past few days, or so it appeared from my window. I've been quarantined under doctor's orders because of a nasty bout of bronchitis. I've been having weird recurring, powerful, sad dreams, waking up in tears, and experiencing an emotional pain so intense, heartbreak pales in comparison.
It amazes me how emotions are so physical. I've been through some physical pain - nothing major, a bum hip, a fractured thumb, cramps, severe back pain, burns, deep cuts, etc. Regular physical pain that anyone can relate to. Emotional anguish manifesting as physical as well: sore ribs, tension headaches, painful lethargy.
But the emotional/physical pain from these dreams has been unreal. No analgesic on earth was going to take this pain away. Halfway through this dream was the death of a loved one, and I've never felt anything remotely close to the pain that this imagined loss created. I'd wake up, early in the morning, unable to move. My pillow would be soaked halfway through. It felt like my body was being torn in half. A seemingly long period of deep breathing, trying to bring my body and mind under control again. Repeating "it's okay, don't be stupid, it hasn't happened" to myself like a mantra.
Sunshine takes unreal fears away. So do panicked repetitive phonecalls to make sure everything's okay. The anxiety becomes a joke at my expense, but at the back of my mind, there's this nagging little voice asking me what the hell it all means?
I exorcise through writing, and I seek solace in the Geto Boys.
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